Manic/Depressive?

Looking over my past few entries, it appears that my emotions have been a bit out of control. It's funny though. And I've been putting an inordinate amount of energy into shaping my thinking and trying to feel my best about my life.

This morning I woke up surprisingly happy, which was unusual because I tend to wake up more negative and have to fight my way to feeling better. I went for coffee, and J.D. was at the coffee shop and we talked a little bit. I was happy to see him, and he made me feel special in front of some people who made me a little bit uncomfortable (although they probably don't intend to do so). After that, I talked to my new artist buddy, W., and we talked philosophy and art for about an hour. I left the coffee shop feeling inspired and excited. Smiling and cheery, I drove to a nearby cafe, ordered my food and read and ate. But while I sat at the cafe, I started thinking about things that made me sad. I started feeling rejected and humiliated again, and by the time I left the cafe I was irritated. At this point, I made the mistake of calling J.D. and we fought. Finally, I realized that I felt like crap about the rejection issue, and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him. He was kind, and after that, I started to feel better. I started to think, again, about the way it all happened and compared that to the way it really is.

What's so strange about the truth to me is that oftentimes it's difficult to see. People can deceive us sometimes--not necessarily out of badness, but out of fear or whatever--and it's easy to buy it. I reminded myself of what I know to be the truth, and my heart softened. I was not rejected. I wasn't humiliated. I opened my heart, and the other was not prepared for that. I met a wall, and I stumbled. But the wall isn't real; it was a defense. Behind the wall is love. Love is there waiting for me to touch it. It's hiding, but it's wanting to be found, quietly, subtley, softly.