Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Begin where you are, with who you are. In order to go where you want to go creatively, you have to start somewhere. And the best place to start is precisely where you are.

--Julia Cameron
Walking in This World


Today I was a little tired and quiet. My allergies have shut my mind down and made me zombie-like in this lovely fall weather. The wind blew the leaves about, but the sun shown warmly down on me as I sat outside and watched the ducks float across the surface of the small man-made pond outside of the Bradley Fair shopping center. Bradley Fair is where I go to window shop and to be snubbed by wealthy East-siders. I consider my presence there to be a gift to the affluent to allow them to feel superior to me. It’s kind of fun watching a well-dressed middle aged woman walk past with her nose in the air, unwilling to make eye contact or say hello. I consider such creatures a different species but entertaining nonetheless.

I looked in the windows at all the beautiful clothes, the rich fabrics, the deep textures, and varied colors. Such attractive things inspire me artistically. My life has tried to teach me not to want nice things. As a person deeply concerned with social justice and equitable resources for all, I have thought that it is my very obligation to go without. I’m learning that, for me, this is an error. Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore teaches us (reminds us, really, as such books do) that the things that captivate us are important and necessary to the soul. For me, these exquisite objects awaken my senses; they make me feel more alive. These things even give me hope that the abundance of the Universe is at my fingertips, waiting for me to reach out my hand.

I’m not sure how to do the last part—reach out to grab that abundance. I know a woman who shoplifts. She has stolen the most amazing things—think trampoline. I cannot steal, so that option is out for me. Other women I know are given expensive gifts from men. That comes at too high a price for me. Others work themselves to near-death or actual death. I don’t like working that hard. I know my route to abundance is through World Ventures and my creative endeavors. I truly do have abundance at my fingertips since I have the ability to create. I am still learning how to turn my creations into an excellent income.

My blog entries give the impression that I am preoccupied with money. That’s because I am preoccupied with money, not just in the sense of trying to survive day-to-day. That is there, of course. But I am also deeply interested in the creative process of attaining money. I realize that the attainment of wealth is very similar to the creation of a painting or poem, and I am still learning that process and want to document it in order to aid others in understanding it. So I am not merely materialistic; for me, (believe it or not) this journey is very much a spiritual one.

Today at the pond, I thought sadly about my once best friend, Candace. I missed her today and thought about the times we laughed together, the times she supported me when I felt very alone, the times we fought. I don’t let myself miss people very often. I don’t think it’s healthy, constructive, or worthwhile, maybe that’s why they come to me in my dreams. But today I thought of my friend, so I’ve included this poem for her. Above is a painting “Old Bones” about a nightmare I both dreamed and lived—Candace was there for me.

Candace

she dreams
of Bosnia
and blackouts at night
the young warriors
haunt her their turning
away from war they broke
and ran from children
they killed they got drunk
together they carried her home
she dreams the soldiers
names the soft sounds
of their names she dreams
them away from death
she dreams her breath of life
into them they have never
killed those parts of them
have never died